50 lessons I learned the hard way from half a century spinning in Earth's embrace
who to marry, how to wash, philosophies to stay sane by
The Festival of Me Turning 50 is now officially over. It was a nigh two-month affair, which I’m slightly embarrassed about. I wrote about turning old a few weeks ago, but today I’m providing a fully Buzzfeed-era listicle of smart things I’ve learned, and live by - robust wisdoms drawn from a mad life (mine) and more than 1000 interviews with people even madder and definitely smarter than me.
Say yes to life - invites, compliments, love - as often as you can.
Be the person who speeds up on the zebra crossing when a car is approaching.
And nod or wave or smile to the driver. In a world where no one knows where to draw the line with their care (where to start, where to end), just care as often as you can and show people that you care they slowed for you, that you care that they don’t have to come to a complete stop because you dawdled. Being The Model Pedestrian (or The Model Human in any circumstance) is worth the effort, in the great wash up of things.
Building on a theme, when in doubt #giveashit. The alternative is grim.
You can judge a person by whether they connect you via email when they say they’ll connect you via email.
Date (marry?) people who are good for your nervous system. Attraction and compatibility are nice. But being with someone who is actually good for you is the bomb. At 50, I now let my body keep the score. I wish I’d worked this out sooner.
Wash your whites separately.
Speaking of, use half a scoop of washing powder only. Studies show half produces the same result as a full.
Touch base with yourself every day to see how you’re going. This is something I learned back in 2009 in an interview with photographer Eugene Tan who coined the term “chatting with my inside people”.
Building on this, when I’m anxious I sit quietly and ask, “Where’s the grit, where’s the resistance, Sarah?” Using the word grit helps me feel, rather than think, into an answer. Mostly, when I do find the cause of the grit, I am able to soften, defuse some of the angst. I’m not sure if it’s because the satisfaction of arriving at the answer is enough to offset any anxiety. I guess it doesn’t matter.
Be deliberate.
Sometimes it’s a matter of realising something is growing. Brene Brown taught me to make this distinction when we sat outside a conference room on plastic chairs, holding hands, ten years ago. She said that when she feels anxious or discomfort, she uses it as a green flag to remind herself, “This is supposed to be uncomfortable…it means something is growing.”
Sometimes I also like to say, “I am currently doing excitement”. Anxiety and excitement are processed in the same part of the brain and so we have the cognitive opportunity to reframe the discomfort (if and when we touch base with ourselves to see how we’re going).
Back when HH and I used to hang a bit (2009). I was an Australian ambassador to His Holiness at the time. Don’t bother trying to stop the mental chatter. Per my chat with His Holiness The Dalai Lama, it’s a waste of a life. You’re better off getting on with more productive and altruistic things. Live a big life, the rest will follow. Including a quieter mind.
Walk. Walk everywhere. It sticks two fingers up to the system (apart from anything else).
Let narcissists have the last say. I now realise that silence starves their hungry pursuit and they will be forced to turn their attention elsewhere after a while.
You don’t have to finish a book you don’t dig. The rule, according to the staff at The Potts Point bookshop, is “you’re allowed to quit” after 100 pages minus your age.
Just take the stairs.
When in a bother, ask yourself, “Do you want to be right or do you want love”?
Dropping a person’s name into conversation as you speak to them (“That’s super interesting, Bartholomew…”) really makes Bartholomew feel special.
I now accept I am a “scanner”. New York-based author Barbara Sher, who coined the term, once told me I’m a classic case. A scanner is genetically wired to be fanatically interested in multiple things at once. “You love everything, right!” Well, yes. “But you get bored and go off on tangents! And you think it’s bad that you keep moving on!” Yes, yes, I do! “Don’t! Have some fun with it instead!” Read the full post here (written before adult ADHD and autism were “things”).
Wrap herbs and leafy greens in an old tea towel or pillowslip and store in the crisper - they’ll last two weeks.
Don’t collapse into your diagnosis.
Commit as many acts of technological resistance as you can. I find when confronted with hard things that are hard because the system rigs it this way (ie being addicted to the dopamine hit from social media), I am able to break the cycle and make the change when I reframe things as an act of defiance.
Invest in Mack’s earplugs. I am not paid by Mack’s earplugs. They are simply the best and cheapest on the market.
Don’t let a relationship get in the way of relating.
Inversely, accept you might be single because you preference relating over a relationship.
Read the link before reposting it. Four-fifths of reposted posts are not read first.
I try to be available for life to happen to me. As per Bill Murray.
And I try to let everything happen to me, beauty and terror, as per Rilke.
It is more than OK to not own your home (many will be come uninsurable, thus worthless, in years to come), and to not rock a polished look (I’ve learned no one really notices).
If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me. Per W.H. Auden.
A gratitude ritual each night works. It just does. And there’s science to back it. I write about it in one of my books and here.
Use a battery operated travel alarm clock. The number one excuse people have for keeping their phone in their bedroom at night is for the alarm. You can fix this, people!
Turn up. To the protest, to the ocean swim, to the hike. No one has ever regretted a hike.
Use “this…and…” sentences.
Don’t buy bottled drinks. Just don’t.
Board flights last. That kerfuffle on the bridge is just silly.
Go to your edge, your edge is where you’re meant to be…most of the time. Per Pema Chodron
Say no to the straw, the napkin, the butter on the side, the toast BEFORE it’s handed to you.
Don’t get upset with someone’s reaction until you’ve reflected on what you did to upset them. Or, to rephrase, don’t gaslight.
Try a small strip of gaffer tape or paper surgical tape over your lips before buying into an expensive teeth grinding fix.
Salty margaritas are not a hobby.
Hand wash your undies in the shower each night. It’s a thing. And it’s a thing that will save your undies. And enable you to travel lighter.
Enjoy doing the hard thing. Enjoy having the tricky conversation. Enjoy taking one for the team. Which is to say, enjoy growing up and reaching new stages of adulthood.
Love the dumb life you find yourself living. I wrote about meeting a guy on a date in Athens who said this to me.
Always travel with nail clippers.
Stay quiet when the times call for giving others space to voice up. It’s a responsibility.
Step into the arena when it’s become filled with anger and polarisation. Gently drop in “This…and” ideas and ways of discussing tough stuff. This is also a responsibility.
Sometimes, whatever gets your though the night, s’alright, s’alright, per John Lennon. Life is about weighing up, prioritising, and being led by a bigger purpose. Take the sleeping tablet, eat the cinnamon bun, create the art, forgive yourself, do the yoga class…if it gets you to the noble, more adult, more loving end goal.
Sarah xx
PS. Again, today’s Wild episode is a wonderful chat with Chris van Tulleken and we chat fun and wide about what ultra-processed food is doing to us.
Absolutely love this list Sarah. May have to write my own, since I also turned 50 this year 😃 Marry someone who's good for your nervous system.... YES! And I would add, find the friends, colleague, jobs, routines that are good for your nervous system too. A regulated nervous system is the key to life, in my humble opinion ❤️
One of mine is: act like everyone is your peer. The CEO, the employee, the child. Since I stopped acting in line with the heirarchy, I don’t put up with anyone’s garb, I call it as I see it and am way more open to ideas. Love this list, it really made me think! Thank you Sarah!