Lord I need to read this ten more times and print it out and put it under my pillow. Something happened to me since the referendum (maybe also turning 50). I have become rabid, ranting and opinionated. My rage online knows no bounds (although I do not ever hit send because I cannot afford the professional repercussions) and I feel the vote made me despise my fellow Australians what is happening in Gaza has tipped me over the edge and now I loathe the rest of the world. I want to scream, SCREAM at the zionists. I want to fight them all. I want to set things on fire. Then I read this column and see how ridiculous I am being. And I honestly feel much calmer. I feel things so deeply but I realize now I don’t need to react like a lunatic. I am going to let those balls fly over my head. Thank you. Thank you. Xxxx
Em, I hear you. Social media made us hate, rage, want to scream. It is designed, or at least it has evolved responsively, to do this. Neo-liberalism and individualism has also done this. I was talking with another Australian who has lived in Paris for a while. I asked her if this issue (rage, division) is happening in the same way there...it's different there because they are a culture that is OK with debating and disagreeing. They love it. The saying is, in France, " 'Non' means, open for debate". There's not the same individual v individual war that happens here.
Fascinating - reminds me of a counterpoint episode I heard with Amanda Vandstone during the week which touched on the difficulties we have with difficult conversations and how we are following America down a slippery slope of an almost total inability to have conversations across divides. I was sad to hear her show was canned this year, she was the open voice on the other side I enjoyed listening too to help me test my own thoughts and opinions.
I agree. I find her actual views hard to tolerate, but her way of arguing and her bravery was refreshing. She is also quite a renegade. She has a lot of young friends, people she collects who stimulate her brain. I know two such who she's taken into her fold. Something men can tend to do (in a non-creepy way)...I hope to be this kind of person as I get older.
Also, Someone said something to me tonight - she watched someone go into a car honk rage when another person cut in front of them. It stemmed from having been frightened. Generally, after the shock has backed away, our anger does, too. With this issue, the world is being kept in the frightened place permanently. And I would argue the Israeli Govt is stoking this. And so a lot of ppl are just honking the F out of everything and everyone because they are being told to stay frightened
Honestly, I think your instinctive responses are those of a rational human in an ever increasingly fucked up world.
I respect the wisdom in Sarah’s post, particularly as it pertains to conserving precious energy (and sanity) and directing it to where it is most effective.
But I don’t see it as always my job to manage/ control the emotions and attitudes of other participants in public conversations. I find it really oppressive to be expected to always “go high” when others go low. Sometimes I will go hard and I will speak to people in their own language, and I will not apologise for that.
Maybe my take differs from that of Sarah and others, but I perceive people who value justice, humanity, other creatures and the very planet we live on as being in the *fight of our lives* against utterly unscrupulous/ sociopathic/ psychopathic individuals and the broken systems that have nurtured them for decades.
Those individuals and the people around them fundamentally *do not care about anyone/ anything but themselves*. I won’t lose sight of that - such people just blatantly, absolutely, *do not care* about the things I value. And I don’t believe that this is something that can be changed by using the “right” words or keeping the “correct” tone in communications.
You need your rage, we all do. Don’t tamp it down, protect it and find the most productive ways to use it.
Thanks Alicia...Hmmmm...I hear you. I know Black activists and feminists fight having to be "the good activist", the palatable presentation, not the angry, raging one...why should we be!!! But in this case we are mostly onlookers, we're in the stands, opining from afar, with little skin in the game. There's probably also a bit of a difference If your feed and responses are public. What I wrote probably applies more so to me than others because my feed and profile is quite public, and so my responsibility is significant. The other night I had to let rip with two friends about it all. I swore , I was thoroughly unreasonable, I raged. About Gaza, about friends and people I know writing the most horrendous things etc.
Sending you a hug Emma. I'm glad for your rage. I feel so worn down that my rage spurts intermittently in between periods of just being so tired of it all. I think we need to take turns, as long as we can direct our energy somewhere to make a small positive difference I think there is room for all the feelings.
I hear you Emma, one thing I would add to the discussion is to stop and let yourself / ourselves feel what it is that is making us so angry. This energy, will make us cry, refresh and renew ourselves, and allow us to arrive at an appropriate action or response. This conflict is playing out in our own homes, and we can begin there to create a world around us which is better/different/more supportive. Just like Sarah has managed here.
I read your ideas Sarah and interpreted each one through the lens of my relationship - and interactions - with my husband. Turns out these ways of being can work on a big and small scale.
YEs Carmen, I think we are still working each other out (it's only been 12 years!) Some topics I do discuss with him, and really I am not able to change his opinion - nor is it something I want to put my energy into. I guess the magic is in having my own opinions shared without fear (of being judged or loved less.) We all get to have our say... even if we disagree. This is where I found Sarah's ideas really helpful!
Sarah, these are brilliant thoughts! I don't comment often on social media about contentious issues ( also one person's normal comment is another's contentious issue, I have discovered) because when I have, I get such vitriol and I get genuinely hurt and confused and commenting on social media isn't worth my mental well-being. I recently commented about the subsidized daycare in Ontario and boy oh boy, there are a lot of anti-socialists who don't like that idea!! LOL
I watched this happen to Twitter, then Facebook. I pulled back from both (I have accounts but don't post or comment or even look). IG was a "safe" nice place for quite some time. Now it's a hellscape. I think a lot of us are feeling we need to do the same, but are wondering where the new safe place is...I kind of think it's here on Substack. It's like we're doing a full circle to long form, considered debate again.
I really like substack, especially paying for a few creators' content rather than being overwhelmed by clicking like or join on everything that looks interesting on a whim. Long form writing definitely makes me feel more grounded, calm and informed.
It is dispiriting, especially when you are making logical, good suggestions. Let me guess, you got the "if you can't afford kids, don't have them" BS? I see this everywhere.
Yep! That was the gist of the response. The funny thing is I'm a stay at home mom so I'm not even partaking in the subsidized daycare options but I'm very happy for our household taxes to support those that need it! I'm grateful for this space Sarah has created. There's so much mutual respect here.
Some people can't conceive that one can be pro/against something without having any personal stakes in, just because of a principle, moral cause/belief etc. My kids are in their teens, I'm all for subsidised care, paid parental leave etc - because it's what's good for society, women and kids. If men had to do the unpaid care work, I'd bet those things would be quickly implemented etc.
Like you, I'm grateful for this opportunity Sarah created for discussion, exchange of views and opinions on so many topics.
I have been discussing this issue for a while as I am grappling as to why it seems society has changed so much. I am a vet and am constantly navigating negative comments, emotional blackmailing and a reduced capacity for people to just be kind. I know that people are in a heightened state of stress when they see me but it doesn’t mean that’s ok to be rude and disrespectful. It seems the last few years have caused a deterioration in the way we care for each other as humans.
I wonder is it because we are all stressed about the state of the world? I feel that so many people are in denial about all of it but maybe deep down subconsciously this is how it plays out?
Vets have a very high suicide rate and I have lost many colleagues, for some it is all just too much to bear.
We are looking for someone to blame, to offload our complex emotions onto. I imagine vets trigger so many different emotions and complexities that we don't want to face, or think we shouldn't have to.
I'm sorry you and other vets have had to shoulder this, along with everything else.
This is terrible! I had no idea that vets have to endure so much unhinged behaviour ~ and to such devastating effects. How do you protect yourself in a situation where you are called to serve these people?
You can’t really, you just have to accept and try and acknowledge how difficult it is for them. Many of the comments are completely unfair and unjustified. Unfortunately we have no choice in dealing with these people because if we don’t it’s the poor animals that suffer
I have heard this a lot , with a similar tale amongst dentists. Definitely a moment of peak fear and grief for many people , which does not qualify unleashing on others. But yes, a symptom of many, many, many underlying unspokens and unfelts. Has the industry association tried to educate the public, even just a poster or two in the waiting room, hi, I am a vet, it cost me this much to educate myself, it took 6 years of my life, it cost me this much to set up this practice, I work this many hours a week, I love my work, and I love animals but for me to care for your fur baby, I need your patience and understanding, and a fair monetary exchange. We are not subsidised like humans are with medicare. I suspect it has a lot to do with loneliness also, to work all day, caring that much for others, without much back the other way. Jeeeeez, thanks for looking after all of the creatures, great and small.
Great post Sarah. Also, really really loved your podcast on the tech-bros / Mars madness. I'm totally with you on it all. The whole thing sounds so utterly ridiculous and such a terrible waste of time and money and resources, rather than trying to make our actual home and the planet we know we can live on a better place.
I have generally cut back all online interactions to the things that bring me joy, controlling the things within my control. Your page is one of them.
I also don’t seem to say things that people disagree with greatly, most people are actually happy I have spoken up about something because they didn’t have the courage to do so. And that in itself sparks conversation and connection.
I think more of the world needs to tune out the junk and tune into what’s important for ourselves, and offer a little more kindness to the world. The world would be a much nicer place to exist in.
Learning not to lob tennis balls back has been a key discovery for me too! It started with just taking a second to pause before reacting and then working to expand that, just like training a muscle. I've gotten to the point where j can restrain myself enough to ask 'is this comment going to help me go in the direction I wish to, or hinder it?' It's usually the latter!
“I only have to feel compassion for our shared humanity” and “We can also push back on the real “force” at play in most pockets of the world in 2024: Unguided and unsupported fear, loneliness and despair.” Yes! ❤️❤️❤️ You are doing an amazing job each week putting into words what humanity is going through, and helping us to keep our chins up and keep facing the world with love and compassion.
Thanks Sarah, this is brilliant, it is the sane, manageable perspective I needed. It gave me the final bit of confidence to push the publish button on a Substack of my cartoons today. I feel like I am entering this new phase of my life with a little magical shield at my side - thank you! I also loved you point about being able to change with world with this stuff - it reminded me of a Mo Gawdat podcast (SlowMo) where he said if we are worried about AI, the best thing we can do is model decent kind human interactions online to ounter all the crap that is going into AI data sets. xo
What an amazing post, thank you. Can I have some of your wise ways? I'm so quick to react, don't back down when I know I'm right and I'm so quick to anger, I would say I go from 0 to 100 in under a second, but these days, my base level is at least at 50 (I don't know if to blame it on peri or people just being irritating/stupid etc. , both could be true. (I know talking in absolutes ...). I'll try to remember to count to 50 before I react and your tennis ball analogy is pretty good, except I'm quite competitive and I know I'd strive to hit it back ...
As Louise says, above, it really is about building the muscle. In time, the feeling of not being reactive becomes so inviting you come to find the reactionary engagement cringey. Adding this layer of "responsibility" to not add to chaos helps, too, I find.
I think I came about your writing via that particular troll site years ago somehow and have stayed (and happily pay!) for your content ever since. Can’t even remember the name of that troll now.
Something I heard last week, I cannot remember where, comes to mind, it was an American man sitting in a bar in Africa with his two African companions. They had all noticed an attractive 20 year old woman working the bar as a prostitute. They started a conversation about the morality and the humanity of the situation, religious and economic arguments were raised. The American eventually took a side and agreed with one of the men. Both men turned to him with anger, if you are looking for right then you are not listening! , we do not care who is right!, we want to understand!.
Hey Sarah, when we chatted about these ideas in Jan, they had a huge, positive impact on me. I’m so glad you’ve captured them to share like this.. I’ll be sharing widely..
Part of our strategy is to help shift media to do more ‘good’, and your take on it being our responsibility to be part of the dialogue and ‘enter the fray’ has stiffened my back bone immeasurably, thank you 😊
Lord I need to read this ten more times and print it out and put it under my pillow. Something happened to me since the referendum (maybe also turning 50). I have become rabid, ranting and opinionated. My rage online knows no bounds (although I do not ever hit send because I cannot afford the professional repercussions) and I feel the vote made me despise my fellow Australians what is happening in Gaza has tipped me over the edge and now I loathe the rest of the world. I want to scream, SCREAM at the zionists. I want to fight them all. I want to set things on fire. Then I read this column and see how ridiculous I am being. And I honestly feel much calmer. I feel things so deeply but I realize now I don’t need to react like a lunatic. I am going to let those balls fly over my head. Thank you. Thank you. Xxxx
Em, I hear you. Social media made us hate, rage, want to scream. It is designed, or at least it has evolved responsively, to do this. Neo-liberalism and individualism has also done this. I was talking with another Australian who has lived in Paris for a while. I asked her if this issue (rage, division) is happening in the same way there...it's different there because they are a culture that is OK with debating and disagreeing. They love it. The saying is, in France, " 'Non' means, open for debate". There's not the same individual v individual war that happens here.
Fascinating - reminds me of a counterpoint episode I heard with Amanda Vandstone during the week which touched on the difficulties we have with difficult conversations and how we are following America down a slippery slope of an almost total inability to have conversations across divides. I was sad to hear her show was canned this year, she was the open voice on the other side I enjoyed listening too to help me test my own thoughts and opinions.
I agree. I find her actual views hard to tolerate, but her way of arguing and her bravery was refreshing. She is also quite a renegade. She has a lot of young friends, people she collects who stimulate her brain. I know two such who she's taken into her fold. Something men can tend to do (in a non-creepy way)...I hope to be this kind of person as I get older.
Also, Someone said something to me tonight - she watched someone go into a car honk rage when another person cut in front of them. It stemmed from having been frightened. Generally, after the shock has backed away, our anger does, too. With this issue, the world is being kept in the frightened place permanently. And I would argue the Israeli Govt is stoking this. And so a lot of ppl are just honking the F out of everything and everyone because they are being told to stay frightened
Honestly, I think your instinctive responses are those of a rational human in an ever increasingly fucked up world.
I respect the wisdom in Sarah’s post, particularly as it pertains to conserving precious energy (and sanity) and directing it to where it is most effective.
But I don’t see it as always my job to manage/ control the emotions and attitudes of other participants in public conversations. I find it really oppressive to be expected to always “go high” when others go low. Sometimes I will go hard and I will speak to people in their own language, and I will not apologise for that.
Maybe my take differs from that of Sarah and others, but I perceive people who value justice, humanity, other creatures and the very planet we live on as being in the *fight of our lives* against utterly unscrupulous/ sociopathic/ psychopathic individuals and the broken systems that have nurtured them for decades.
Those individuals and the people around them fundamentally *do not care about anyone/ anything but themselves*. I won’t lose sight of that - such people just blatantly, absolutely, *do not care* about the things I value. And I don’t believe that this is something that can be changed by using the “right” words or keeping the “correct” tone in communications.
You need your rage, we all do. Don’t tamp it down, protect it and find the most productive ways to use it.
Thanks Alicia...Hmmmm...I hear you. I know Black activists and feminists fight having to be "the good activist", the palatable presentation, not the angry, raging one...why should we be!!! But in this case we are mostly onlookers, we're in the stands, opining from afar, with little skin in the game. There's probably also a bit of a difference If your feed and responses are public. What I wrote probably applies more so to me than others because my feed and profile is quite public, and so my responsibility is significant. The other night I had to let rip with two friends about it all. I swore , I was thoroughly unreasonable, I raged. About Gaza, about friends and people I know writing the most horrendous things etc.
Love this, although I have to admit to also liking and relating to your rage!
Sending you a hug Emma. I'm glad for your rage. I feel so worn down that my rage spurts intermittently in between periods of just being so tired of it all. I think we need to take turns, as long as we can direct our energy somewhere to make a small positive difference I think there is room for all the feelings.
I hear you Emma, one thing I would add to the discussion is to stop and let yourself / ourselves feel what it is that is making us so angry. This energy, will make us cry, refresh and renew ourselves, and allow us to arrive at an appropriate action or response. This conflict is playing out in our own homes, and we can begin there to create a world around us which is better/different/more supportive. Just like Sarah has managed here.
I read your ideas Sarah and interpreted each one through the lens of my relationship - and interactions - with my husband. Turns out these ways of being can work on a big and small scale.
Thank you.
Peace and love hey... it's all we've got.
Love Cherie
Gosh, I hope your husband doesn't scream at you in ALL CAPS with steaming head emojis!!! x
No ALL CAPS thankfully - just navigating differences of opinions. I like the idea of taking a kind approach, no matter what!
Do you struggle with discussing big topics with him? I relate, I struggle with mine too. It’s good to know I’m not alone!
It’s a hard landscape to navigate with someone you love….
YEs Carmen, I think we are still working each other out (it's only been 12 years!) Some topics I do discuss with him, and really I am not able to change his opinion - nor is it something I want to put my energy into. I guess the magic is in having my own opinions shared without fear (of being judged or loved less.) We all get to have our say... even if we disagree. This is where I found Sarah's ideas really helpful!
Love Cherie
I'm glad x
Sarah, these are brilliant thoughts! I don't comment often on social media about contentious issues ( also one person's normal comment is another's contentious issue, I have discovered) because when I have, I get such vitriol and I get genuinely hurt and confused and commenting on social media isn't worth my mental well-being. I recently commented about the subsidized daycare in Ontario and boy oh boy, there are a lot of anti-socialists who don't like that idea!! LOL
I watched this happen to Twitter, then Facebook. I pulled back from both (I have accounts but don't post or comment or even look). IG was a "safe" nice place for quite some time. Now it's a hellscape. I think a lot of us are feeling we need to do the same, but are wondering where the new safe place is...I kind of think it's here on Substack. It's like we're doing a full circle to long form, considered debate again.
I really like substack, especially paying for a few creators' content rather than being overwhelmed by clicking like or join on everything that looks interesting on a whim. Long form writing definitely makes me feel more grounded, calm and informed.
It is dispiriting, especially when you are making logical, good suggestions. Let me guess, you got the "if you can't afford kids, don't have them" BS? I see this everywhere.
Yep! That was the gist of the response. The funny thing is I'm a stay at home mom so I'm not even partaking in the subsidized daycare options but I'm very happy for our household taxes to support those that need it! I'm grateful for this space Sarah has created. There's so much mutual respect here.
Some people can't conceive that one can be pro/against something without having any personal stakes in, just because of a principle, moral cause/belief etc. My kids are in their teens, I'm all for subsidised care, paid parental leave etc - because it's what's good for society, women and kids. If men had to do the unpaid care work, I'd bet those things would be quickly implemented etc.
Like you, I'm grateful for this opportunity Sarah created for discussion, exchange of views and opinions on so many topics.
Such great points there Sarah.
I have been discussing this issue for a while as I am grappling as to why it seems society has changed so much. I am a vet and am constantly navigating negative comments, emotional blackmailing and a reduced capacity for people to just be kind. I know that people are in a heightened state of stress when they see me but it doesn’t mean that’s ok to be rude and disrespectful. It seems the last few years have caused a deterioration in the way we care for each other as humans.
I wonder is it because we are all stressed about the state of the world? I feel that so many people are in denial about all of it but maybe deep down subconsciously this is how it plays out?
Vets have a very high suicide rate and I have lost many colleagues, for some it is all just too much to bear.
We are looking for someone to blame, to offload our complex emotions onto. I imagine vets trigger so many different emotions and complexities that we don't want to face, or think we shouldn't have to.
I'm sorry you and other vets have had to shoulder this, along with everything else.
This is terrible! I had no idea that vets have to endure so much unhinged behaviour ~ and to such devastating effects. How do you protect yourself in a situation where you are called to serve these people?
You can’t really, you just have to accept and try and acknowledge how difficult it is for them. Many of the comments are completely unfair and unjustified. Unfortunately we have no choice in dealing with these people because if we don’t it’s the poor animals that suffer
I have heard this a lot , with a similar tale amongst dentists. Definitely a moment of peak fear and grief for many people , which does not qualify unleashing on others. But yes, a symptom of many, many, many underlying unspokens and unfelts. Has the industry association tried to educate the public, even just a poster or two in the waiting room, hi, I am a vet, it cost me this much to educate myself, it took 6 years of my life, it cost me this much to set up this practice, I work this many hours a week, I love my work, and I love animals but for me to care for your fur baby, I need your patience and understanding, and a fair monetary exchange. We are not subsidised like humans are with medicare. I suspect it has a lot to do with loneliness also, to work all day, caring that much for others, without much back the other way. Jeeeeez, thanks for looking after all of the creatures, great and small.
Mya, sending you a hug. Thank you for looking after our friends.
Great post Sarah. Also, really really loved your podcast on the tech-bros / Mars madness. I'm totally with you on it all. The whole thing sounds so utterly ridiculous and such a terrible waste of time and money and resources, rather than trying to make our actual home and the planet we know we can live on a better place.
It's an illness - missing this vital point!
I have generally cut back all online interactions to the things that bring me joy, controlling the things within my control. Your page is one of them.
I also don’t seem to say things that people disagree with greatly, most people are actually happy I have spoken up about something because they didn’t have the courage to do so. And that in itself sparks conversation and connection.
I think more of the world needs to tune out the junk and tune into what’s important for ourselves, and offer a little more kindness to the world. The world would be a much nicer place to exist in.
I have previously resisted the idea of avoiding difficult places/conversations, but those difficult places have now become impossible misery arcades.
Need to look after your own mental health… move where your energy is needed and wanted. Misery arcades aren’t it! Also, love that term…
Learning not to lob tennis balls back has been a key discovery for me too! It started with just taking a second to pause before reacting and then working to expand that, just like training a muscle. I've gotten to the point where j can restrain myself enough to ask 'is this comment going to help me go in the direction I wish to, or hinder it?' It's usually the latter!
It feels like freedom!
It sure does!
Aaaah, the pause...... I'm working on that.
“I only have to feel compassion for our shared humanity” and “We can also push back on the real “force” at play in most pockets of the world in 2024: Unguided and unsupported fear, loneliness and despair.” Yes! ❤️❤️❤️ You are doing an amazing job each week putting into words what humanity is going through, and helping us to keep our chins up and keep facing the world with love and compassion.
thank you Brianna.
Thanks Sarah, this is brilliant, it is the sane, manageable perspective I needed. It gave me the final bit of confidence to push the publish button on a Substack of my cartoons today. I feel like I am entering this new phase of my life with a little magical shield at my side - thank you! I also loved you point about being able to change with world with this stuff - it reminded me of a Mo Gawdat podcast (SlowMo) where he said if we are worried about AI, the best thing we can do is model decent kind human interactions online to ounter all the crap that is going into AI data sets. xo
I agree with that perspective - let's gamify the game.
Bravo for publication day!!!!! You've changed your handle, too
I'll go take a look
Thank you! Appreciate you.
What an amazing post, thank you. Can I have some of your wise ways? I'm so quick to react, don't back down when I know I'm right and I'm so quick to anger, I would say I go from 0 to 100 in under a second, but these days, my base level is at least at 50 (I don't know if to blame it on peri or people just being irritating/stupid etc. , both could be true. (I know talking in absolutes ...). I'll try to remember to count to 50 before I react and your tennis ball analogy is pretty good, except I'm quite competitive and I know I'd strive to hit it back ...
As Louise says, above, it really is about building the muscle. In time, the feeling of not being reactive becomes so inviting you come to find the reactionary engagement cringey. Adding this layer of "responsibility" to not add to chaos helps, too, I find.
Great writing Sarah...awesome content...enjoyed all of it...keep on keeping on ! 🙂
I think I came about your writing via that particular troll site years ago somehow and have stayed (and happily pay!) for your content ever since. Can’t even remember the name of that troll now.
Ha, well that's gloriously ironic!
Fucking brilliant Sarah.
Something I heard last week, I cannot remember where, comes to mind, it was an American man sitting in a bar in Africa with his two African companions. They had all noticed an attractive 20 year old woman working the bar as a prostitute. They started a conversation about the morality and the humanity of the situation, religious and economic arguments were raised. The American eventually took a side and agreed with one of the men. Both men turned to him with anger, if you are looking for right then you are not listening! , we do not care who is right!, we want to understand!.
That parable/anecdote speaks a shit-tonne.
Hey Sarah, when we chatted about these ideas in Jan, they had a huge, positive impact on me. I’m so glad you’ve captured them to share like this.. I’ll be sharing widely..
Part of our strategy is to help shift media to do more ‘good’, and your take on it being our responsibility to be part of the dialogue and ‘enter the fray’ has stiffened my back bone immeasurably, thank you 😊
Hoorah!!
Are there scenarios where you just choose to walk away?
This came at just the right time for me, for the big issues and the smaller ones I have in my professional life right now.
Thank you Sarah!
pleasure x