Thank you for this, Sarah. I’ve been on the search for stories about women who choose/can’t have children.
Georgina Reid’s conversation in DF magazine issue 70 really struck a chord with me. I was so grateful for her story. She talks about “other-mothering” which, somehow over time, morphed into “big mothering” in my mind.
She refers to artist Janet Laurence who has been a guide to her: “If you don’t have kids, think of how expansive your care can be.”
I appreciate Georgina honestly sharing her grief around not becoming a mother. She says:
“There will always be some kind of grief around not becoming a mother. I think it’s important to acknowledge that holes exist in every life, and no one decision means you can avoid them.”
“So I closed one door and opened another. I feel a responsibility- to do something with this space, this freedom, to grow and care in ways that are right for me.”
I think you are doing this too, Sarah. Other/big-mothering. Caring in ways that are right for you. x
This is just what I needed right now, in this moment. Thank you! Beautiful!
My journey was somewhat similar to yours. I was undecided and then took the decision in my late 30’s to go it alone with donor sperm. It didn’t work out.
I eventually healed, mostly, and now am in a relationship with a younger man who doesn’t want children. His friends are having many many children right now and have commented on what a shame it is that he won’t have them because he would make a wonderful father. And Bam! Triggered!
I will use this as my mantra at those triggered moments. I spin really f*cking well :) 🙏
Thanks Sarah. I’m 37 and never had a long term relationship. A ‘relationship virgin’ per se and I guess a spinster. I believe I spin well and am proud of the life I have created for myself so thanks for sharing this insight. This year more than ever I’m starting to realise that I’m my most authentic on my own. It’s taken a lot of therapy and writing to unpack my life and how I’ve arrived here.
And on the topic of Mother’s Day I prefer to celebrate people on their birthday. I find the whole MD event suffocating. The day is a kick in the guts for so many and just reeks of capitalism. Personally I wish we could get rid of the day altogether.
My late partner spun off her mortal coil a few years ago. I haven't officially replaced her so does that make me a male spinster? It's preferable to being called a sociopath 😉
A lovely trail of wonderful women! As an intentional mother of 3, I often see the grass as greener on the spinster side!
I’ve always found Mother’s Day an insipid lack-lustre affair but was delighted to read of its origins in a Marianne Williamson Substack: “Every year on Mother’s Day I read the original Mother’s Day Proclamation, written by Julia Ward Howe in 1870. It wasn’t created by happy mothers. It was the product of a unique and tragic congress: mothers of sons who died in the Civil War while fighting for the Union, and mothers of sons who died while fighting in the war for the Confederacy, gathered together in mutual grief and sorrow. They wanted the mothers of the world to find a better way. They wanted the mothers of the world to create a world at peace. They wanted no mother ever again to feel the pain that they were feeling.”
That energy and desire for world healing is powerful and seems a good reason to celebrate! I am newly sitting with this information but it feels like a wonderful bit of historical magic.
Thanks for sharing this - a refreshing read amidst the week of mother-worship. I'm technically a spinster too (though I am in a partnership), financially independent (spinning well) and childless not by choice. Love your work ❤
"How to be alone" was such an interesting read. I loved it. Hopefully it will have even more readers now! I would love to hear Sara Maitland on your podcast - please keep trying to get her on.
I had thought that I may be a kindred spirit with Greta Garbo, the cheapening of yourself through the disclosure of your secret sorrows and joy resonates. But in guarding that element of yourself are we not hiding our true self and and allowing another the opportunity to love you completely, for who you really are, thereby perpetuating the single life? Do we then fill our lives with the accoutrements of satisfying life, and deny an instinctual driver to share and care someone? .I have this fear that to celebrate the single life is to embed a self justification that denies a sadness to the single life...damn it! I don't have the answer!
I applaud this beautiful writing and story. As someone who took on motherhood in the belief that it was the “highest calling” I wrestle with complexity around motherhood. In this capitalist society Mothers Day is the make good for lack of true support for parenting in general. It’s messy and complex, and i celebrate those who do more. My own thoughts on motherhood are still a draft on Substack. If I ever get an hour to sit and write this week it should be published by the end of the week.
Thanks Sarah, this is so timely! Was just helping a friend through this conundrum last night. This has uplifted me so much. I am a Mum of one but I've been on my own. It's been challenging to feel as though I should be in partnership with somebody but honestly, I'm super content on my own. I don't think I will ever want to live with a partner again. I choose to be a bride to the amazement of the world too!
Thank you for this, Sarah. I’ve been on the search for stories about women who choose/can’t have children.
Georgina Reid’s conversation in DF magazine issue 70 really struck a chord with me. I was so grateful for her story. She talks about “other-mothering” which, somehow over time, morphed into “big mothering” in my mind.
She refers to artist Janet Laurence who has been a guide to her: “If you don’t have kids, think of how expansive your care can be.”
I appreciate Georgina honestly sharing her grief around not becoming a mother. She says:
“There will always be some kind of grief around not becoming a mother. I think it’s important to acknowledge that holes exist in every life, and no one decision means you can avoid them.”
“So I closed one door and opened another. I feel a responsibility- to do something with this space, this freedom, to grow and care in ways that are right for me.”
I think you are doing this too, Sarah. Other/big-mothering. Caring in ways that are right for you. x
That etymology has cheered me right up. Nice to know it was a badge of honour for so long. Spin on, Sarah, you do it well!
This is just what I needed right now, in this moment. Thank you! Beautiful!
My journey was somewhat similar to yours. I was undecided and then took the decision in my late 30’s to go it alone with donor sperm. It didn’t work out.
I eventually healed, mostly, and now am in a relationship with a younger man who doesn’t want children. His friends are having many many children right now and have commented on what a shame it is that he won’t have them because he would make a wonderful father. And Bam! Triggered!
I will use this as my mantra at those triggered moments. I spin really f*cking well :) 🙏
Thanks Sarah. I’m 37 and never had a long term relationship. A ‘relationship virgin’ per se and I guess a spinster. I believe I spin well and am proud of the life I have created for myself so thanks for sharing this insight. This year more than ever I’m starting to realise that I’m my most authentic on my own. It’s taken a lot of therapy and writing to unpack my life and how I’ve arrived here.
And on the topic of Mother’s Day I prefer to celebrate people on their birthday. I find the whole MD event suffocating. The day is a kick in the guts for so many and just reeks of capitalism. Personally I wish we could get rid of the day altogether.
My late partner spun off her mortal coil a few years ago. I haven't officially replaced her so does that make me a male spinster? It's preferable to being called a sociopath 😉
A lovely trail of wonderful women! As an intentional mother of 3, I often see the grass as greener on the spinster side!
I’ve always found Mother’s Day an insipid lack-lustre affair but was delighted to read of its origins in a Marianne Williamson Substack: “Every year on Mother’s Day I read the original Mother’s Day Proclamation, written by Julia Ward Howe in 1870. It wasn’t created by happy mothers. It was the product of a unique and tragic congress: mothers of sons who died in the Civil War while fighting for the Union, and mothers of sons who died while fighting in the war for the Confederacy, gathered together in mutual grief and sorrow. They wanted the mothers of the world to find a better way. They wanted the mothers of the world to create a world at peace. They wanted no mother ever again to feel the pain that they were feeling.”
That energy and desire for world healing is powerful and seems a good reason to celebrate! I am newly sitting with this information but it feels like a wonderful bit of historical magic.
Thanks for sharing this - a refreshing read amidst the week of mother-worship. I'm technically a spinster too (though I am in a partnership), financially independent (spinning well) and childless not by choice. Love your work ❤
Love this. Spinster here and proud of it 🙋🏻♀️💪🏻
You are wonderful
I’m reading Martha Gellhorn A Life at the moment. I love her no bullshit vibe.
"How to be alone" was such an interesting read. I loved it. Hopefully it will have even more readers now! I would love to hear Sara Maitland on your podcast - please keep trying to get her on.
I had thought that I may be a kindred spirit with Greta Garbo, the cheapening of yourself through the disclosure of your secret sorrows and joy resonates. But in guarding that element of yourself are we not hiding our true self and and allowing another the opportunity to love you completely, for who you really are, thereby perpetuating the single life? Do we then fill our lives with the accoutrements of satisfying life, and deny an instinctual driver to share and care someone? .I have this fear that to celebrate the single life is to embed a self justification that denies a sadness to the single life...damn it! I don't have the answer!
Sarah, You outdid yourself here. Terrific piece. D
somewhat brutal!
I applaud this beautiful writing and story. As someone who took on motherhood in the belief that it was the “highest calling” I wrestle with complexity around motherhood. In this capitalist society Mothers Day is the make good for lack of true support for parenting in general. It’s messy and complex, and i celebrate those who do more. My own thoughts on motherhood are still a draft on Substack. If I ever get an hour to sit and write this week it should be published by the end of the week.
Thanks Sarah, this is so timely! Was just helping a friend through this conundrum last night. This has uplifted me so much. I am a Mum of one but I've been on my own. It's been challenging to feel as though I should be in partnership with somebody but honestly, I'm super content on my own. I don't think I will ever want to live with a partner again. I choose to be a bride to the amazement of the world too!