Thank you for this, Sarah. I’ve been on the search for stories about women who choose/can’t have children.
Georgina Reid’s conversation in DF magazine issue 70 really struck a chord with me. I was so grateful for her story. She talks about “other-mothering” which, somehow over time, morphed into “big mothering” in my mind.
She refers to artist Janet Laurence who has been a guide to her: “If you don’t have kids, think of how expansive your care can be.”
I appreciate Georgina honestly sharing her grief around not becoming a mother. She says:
“There will always be some kind of grief around not becoming a mother. I think it’s important to acknowledge that holes exist in every life, and no one decision means you can avoid them.”
“So I closed one door and opened another. I feel a responsibility- to do something with this space, this freedom, to grow and care in ways that are right for me.”
I think you are doing this too, Sarah. Other/big-mothering. Caring in ways that are right for you. x
thanks for saying that, Kei. It's true, there will always be a very specific kind of grief...and, also, there are holes in every kind of life. When you don't have kids, I suppose you have the space to see them more!
This is just what I needed right now, in this moment. Thank you! Beautiful!
My journey was somewhat similar to yours. I was undecided and then took the decision in my late 30’s to go it alone with donor sperm. It didn’t work out.
I eventually healed, mostly, and now am in a relationship with a younger man who doesn’t want children. His friends are having many many children right now and have commented on what a shame it is that he won’t have them because he would make a wonderful father. And Bam! Triggered!
I will use this as my mantra at those triggered moments. I spin really f*cking well :) 🙏
I hadn’t thought of it in this way before but it totally makes sense.
I am very grateful for the life I have now. I travel often, hike with my dogs, go on retreats and have a career I love. This freedom would not be possible with children and perhaps watching this is triggering for those without such freedom.
Thanks Sarah. I’m 37 and never had a long term relationship. A ‘relationship virgin’ per se and I guess a spinster. I believe I spin well and am proud of the life I have created for myself so thanks for sharing this insight. This year more than ever I’m starting to realise that I’m my most authentic on my own. It’s taken a lot of therapy and writing to unpack my life and how I’ve arrived here.
And on the topic of Mother’s Day I prefer to celebrate people on their birthday. I find the whole MD event suffocating. The day is a kick in the guts for so many and just reeks of capitalism. Personally I wish we could get rid of the day altogether.
My late partner spun off her mortal coil a few years ago. I haven't officially replaced her so does that make me a male spinster? It's preferable to being called a sociopath 😉
A lovely trail of wonderful women! As an intentional mother of 3, I often see the grass as greener on the spinster side!
I’ve always found Mother’s Day an insipid lack-lustre affair but was delighted to read of its origins in a Marianne Williamson Substack: “Every year on Mother’s Day I read the original Mother’s Day Proclamation, written by Julia Ward Howe in 1870. It wasn’t created by happy mothers. It was the product of a unique and tragic congress: mothers of sons who died in the Civil War while fighting for the Union, and mothers of sons who died while fighting in the war for the Confederacy, gathered together in mutual grief and sorrow. They wanted the mothers of the world to find a better way. They wanted the mothers of the world to create a world at peace. They wanted no mother ever again to feel the pain that they were feeling.”
That energy and desire for world healing is powerful and seems a good reason to celebrate! I am newly sitting with this information but it feels like a wonderful bit of historical magic.
Thanks for sharing this - a refreshing read amidst the week of mother-worship. I'm technically a spinster too (though I am in a partnership), financially independent (spinning well) and childless not by choice. Love your work ❤
"How to be alone" was such an interesting read. I loved it. Hopefully it will have even more readers now! I would love to hear Sara Maitland on your podcast - please keep trying to get her on.
I had thought that I may be a kindred spirit with Greta Garbo, the cheapening of yourself through the disclosure of your secret sorrows and joy resonates. But in guarding that element of yourself are we not hiding our true self and and allowing another the opportunity to love you completely, for who you really are, thereby perpetuating the single life? Do we then fill our lives with the accoutrements of satisfying life, and deny an instinctual driver to share and care someone? .I have this fear that to celebrate the single life is to embed a self justification that denies a sadness to the single life...damn it! I don't have the answer!
I applaud this beautiful writing and story. As someone who took on motherhood in the belief that it was the “highest calling” I wrestle with complexity around motherhood. In this capitalist society Mothers Day is the make good for lack of true support for parenting in general. It’s messy and complex, and i celebrate those who do more. My own thoughts on motherhood are still a draft on Substack. If I ever get an hour to sit and write this week it should be published by the end of the week.
Thanks Sarah, this is so timely! Was just helping a friend through this conundrum last night. This has uplifted me so much. I am a Mum of one but I've been on my own. It's been challenging to feel as though I should be in partnership with somebody but honestly, I'm super content on my own. I don't think I will ever want to live with a partner again. I choose to be a bride to the amazement of the world too!
Thanks, Sarah! I had a peek at Facebook earlier today and felt myself thinking, still? Are the Mother's Day pics STILL THERE? And then, of course, guilt. Your take on spinning has been sweet relief.
I recently read Oliver Burkeman's 4000 weeks and your comment on relating to the world (and Mary Oliver's words on being a bride to amazement) reminded me of it. He talks about the rough texture of reality (vs smoothness of imagined possibility) and, for better or worse, when I am single it seems to me that I feel the true texture of the world a bit more. Enjoy the writers residence! Waving from a few countries away in Amsterdam.
Thank you for this, Sarah. I’ve been on the search for stories about women who choose/can’t have children.
Georgina Reid’s conversation in DF magazine issue 70 really struck a chord with me. I was so grateful for her story. She talks about “other-mothering” which, somehow over time, morphed into “big mothering” in my mind.
She refers to artist Janet Laurence who has been a guide to her: “If you don’t have kids, think of how expansive your care can be.”
I appreciate Georgina honestly sharing her grief around not becoming a mother. She says:
“There will always be some kind of grief around not becoming a mother. I think it’s important to acknowledge that holes exist in every life, and no one decision means you can avoid them.”
“So I closed one door and opened another. I feel a responsibility- to do something with this space, this freedom, to grow and care in ways that are right for me.”
I think you are doing this too, Sarah. Other/big-mothering. Caring in ways that are right for you. x
thanks for saying that, Kei. It's true, there will always be a very specific kind of grief...and, also, there are holes in every kind of life. When you don't have kids, I suppose you have the space to see them more!
This is just what I needed right now, in this moment. Thank you! Beautiful!
My journey was somewhat similar to yours. I was undecided and then took the decision in my late 30’s to go it alone with donor sperm. It didn’t work out.
I eventually healed, mostly, and now am in a relationship with a younger man who doesn’t want children. His friends are having many many children right now and have commented on what a shame it is that he won’t have them because he would make a wonderful father. And Bam! Triggered!
I will use this as my mantra at those triggered moments. I spin really f*cking well :) 🙏
His friends' comments are a reflection of their own fears.
So true. I held off on marriage way longer than friends and would of much rather done the Goldy/Kurt partnership instead, but I didn't.
Always had friends asking when will you marry?
As soon as i did most mates that told me to marry laughed and said welcome to the misery club!!
Exact same scenario with other couples and finally having kids after others.
Humans like to have company when they inhabit a place they don't truthfully like, and use the veiled comedy to deflect some real heartbreak.
Do we bond over bad times more than good times?
I hadn’t thought of it in this way before but it totally makes sense.
I am very grateful for the life I have now. I travel often, hike with my dogs, go on retreats and have a career I love. This freedom would not be possible with children and perhaps watching this is triggering for those without such freedom.
Thanks for your insight! I love this community 😊
Thanks Natasha.
I definitely think there is some jealousy with resentment in part.
I've always thought more along the lines of admiration of their journey and not regret of mine.
Everyone's story has many chapters and not all of them make sense in the complete story but that's what makes a life so complex and also so rewarding.
I'm very lucky my kids are now into adulthood and I'm planning my own hike along the Camino trail to start the new chapter.
Thankyou so much for sharing a part of yours.
Thanks Sarah. I’m 37 and never had a long term relationship. A ‘relationship virgin’ per se and I guess a spinster. I believe I spin well and am proud of the life I have created for myself so thanks for sharing this insight. This year more than ever I’m starting to realise that I’m my most authentic on my own. It’s taken a lot of therapy and writing to unpack my life and how I’ve arrived here.
And on the topic of Mother’s Day I prefer to celebrate people on their birthday. I find the whole MD event suffocating. The day is a kick in the guts for so many and just reeks of capitalism. Personally I wish we could get rid of the day altogether.
My late partner spun off her mortal coil a few years ago. I haven't officially replaced her so does that make me a male spinster? It's preferable to being called a sociopath 😉
Ah Pez, sorry to hear about the loss. It makes you a rich human with deep stories.
A lovely trail of wonderful women! As an intentional mother of 3, I often see the grass as greener on the spinster side!
I’ve always found Mother’s Day an insipid lack-lustre affair but was delighted to read of its origins in a Marianne Williamson Substack: “Every year on Mother’s Day I read the original Mother’s Day Proclamation, written by Julia Ward Howe in 1870. It wasn’t created by happy mothers. It was the product of a unique and tragic congress: mothers of sons who died in the Civil War while fighting for the Union, and mothers of sons who died while fighting in the war for the Confederacy, gathered together in mutual grief and sorrow. They wanted the mothers of the world to find a better way. They wanted the mothers of the world to create a world at peace. They wanted no mother ever again to feel the pain that they were feeling.”
That energy and desire for world healing is powerful and seems a good reason to celebrate! I am newly sitting with this information but it feels like a wonderful bit of historical magic.
Gillian, I didn't know this and I'm glad i do, now!
Thanks for sharing this - a refreshing read amidst the week of mother-worship. I'm technically a spinster too (though I am in a partnership), financially independent (spinning well) and childless not by choice. Love your work ❤
Love this. Spinster here and proud of it 🙋🏻♀️💪🏻
Keep it up, with love!
You are wonderful
boy, that's nice to hear
I’m reading Martha Gellhorn A Life at the moment. I love her no bullshit vibe.
"How to be alone" was such an interesting read. I loved it. Hopefully it will have even more readers now! I would love to hear Sara Maitland on your podcast - please keep trying to get her on.
I shall...although I respect her need to be alone, too!
I had thought that I may be a kindred spirit with Greta Garbo, the cheapening of yourself through the disclosure of your secret sorrows and joy resonates. But in guarding that element of yourself are we not hiding our true self and and allowing another the opportunity to love you completely, for who you really are, thereby perpetuating the single life? Do we then fill our lives with the accoutrements of satisfying life, and deny an instinctual driver to share and care someone? .I have this fear that to celebrate the single life is to embed a self justification that denies a sadness to the single life...damn it! I don't have the answer!
I think GG's experience was a little particular to being famous.
Sounds like a particularly high price to pay for fame...
Of course you're right. Not a world I inhabit, nor can probably relate to
Sarah, You outdid yourself here. Terrific piece. D
Thanks Dave!
somewhat brutal!
I applaud this beautiful writing and story. As someone who took on motherhood in the belief that it was the “highest calling” I wrestle with complexity around motherhood. In this capitalist society Mothers Day is the make good for lack of true support for parenting in general. It’s messy and complex, and i celebrate those who do more. My own thoughts on motherhood are still a draft on Substack. If I ever get an hour to sit and write this week it should be published by the end of the week.
Thanks Sarah, this is so timely! Was just helping a friend through this conundrum last night. This has uplifted me so much. I am a Mum of one but I've been on my own. It's been challenging to feel as though I should be in partnership with somebody but honestly, I'm super content on my own. I don't think I will ever want to live with a partner again. I choose to be a bride to the amazement of the world too!
Thanks, Sarah! I had a peek at Facebook earlier today and felt myself thinking, still? Are the Mother's Day pics STILL THERE? And then, of course, guilt. Your take on spinning has been sweet relief.
I recently read Oliver Burkeman's 4000 weeks and your comment on relating to the world (and Mary Oliver's words on being a bride to amazement) reminded me of it. He talks about the rough texture of reality (vs smoothness of imagined possibility) and, for better or worse, when I am single it seems to me that I feel the true texture of the world a bit more. Enjoy the writers residence! Waving from a few countries away in Amsterdam.