I have chook story to tell (bizarre but true). I received 3 hens from my friend K. Her man partner was keen to tell me that the hens needed a rooster because he would find food for them, and protect them from predators. I observed and thought that they seem to find food for themselves, and that a rooster was no match for a fox. I also suspect a rooster is really focussed on protecting himself rather than them. A week later, I see a random chook in the driveway- I'm thinking "Oh my god, one of the hens has got out of the prison-quality hen protector". Until I see it's a rooster who desperately wants to get in and hang out with the hens. It turns out he had been abandoned by my neighbour and was lonely. One of the hens went out and joined him and coaxed him in. Hank is now a family with the 3 Graces (Tame, Jones, and Cossington-Smith) and he knows his place. For me it challenged the fundamental narrative that women need men and changed it to that men need women and need to find a place for themselves. I think I have always known it but there is a lot of effort put into convincing women that they are the ones in need. I think men are in crisis and I'm glad you are putting it out there.
Thanks for sharing Sarah, at no point did your post feel like moaning. :)
I'm a guy in my mid-30s who has never been on any apps. I hate photos of myself and don't have any, so that prerequisite has barred me from the online dating avenue. I've always regretted this to an extent, as I'm sure that I've missed opportunities because of it, but based on your experiences, it sounds like I've also avoided some anguish.
I would love a relationship with a strong, independent woman with a broad range of interests and experiences. Unfortunately, the women like this who float into my life are always already in a relationship!
Maybe I just need to bite the bullet, take a photo of myself and wade into the murkiness of the apps. I'll at least be one of the men who are happy to set the time/place and be there when I say I will. I see time-wasting as one of the biggest sins, so I would never do that to somebody else.
Please keep these discussions going Sarah, I love how raw you've been with your posts lately!
Thank you for sharing Sarah! I was hoping at some stage you would! I can concur with many of the things you have said. I find that many men (in Australia and perhaps the West) are already jaded when on the apps. They expect (or feel entitled) to meet a woman who in their opinion ‘has it all’ and primarily this means 70% meeting their requirements physically and aesthetically. They put such emphasis on this that it crowds out the other values women bring to the table. If they pursue women who don’t meet their expectations or what they feel they are entitled to they treat those women very poorly. Goodness knows how you will be treated by men if you are overweight in Australia! Also I find few people in Australia (particularly men) who want to engage in conversation beyond the superficial pop and sporting culture that exists (theology, philosophy, books, art, history, travel anyone?) I personally have zero interest in men. It doesn’t feel like a sacrifice or I’m missing out. I have a rich spiritual life that I guess helps. I feel lonely at times but that’s because I have struggled to find likeminded souls or a tribe in Australia (because…well..Australia) and that is despite 3 years of trying in well meaning, diverse ways. I lean into the family and friends I have who understand me. Those who are following along know I am heading eventually back OS (unlikely to be in the West) but still getting ducks in a row. I’m going all in, in life and am proceeding on the basis that it will just be me! And I guess I have accepted that and at peace with it because looking back at the last 42 years of my life I have enough evidence of who I am (and who men are in this generation) that I am unlikely to meet a man that makes life better or my world bigger. Somehow I always have to get smaller. If someone comes along well ok, but I do not expect it.
OH MY GOODNESS. I'm only half way through and nodding my head off.
Our little community of Forbes has been rocked by the death of a beautiful young lady, Molly Ticehurst, two days ago. We are reeling. All the women. I cannot fully explain the impacts but it is palpable... in the shops, in our texts, in our conversations. It's like a big old "See. I told you men are not to be trusted." Hard going. And I'm explaining all of this to my 8 year old son.
Thank you for making me not feel like I am alone in this. I have been single for most of my adult life. I have tried the apps, I’ve tried exploring new activities in the hopes of meeting new people, I have tried not trying as they say (“it will happen when you least expect it”). All I seem to face is rejection in various forms. And I have been beaten down like many have by dating. I believe I have a lot to offer a potential partner even if I’m not the most attractive girl in a group. I am intelligent, financially stable, have a successful career and am more than capable of looking after myself. I sometimes wonder if it’s that independence, that lack of a need to be “saved by a man”, someone who is opinionated and will express it that perhaps is perceived as unattractive. But if that is it or men are threatened, then I’ll take my single life.
I think you’re naming the elephant in the room and inviting accountability. Totally agree that men have not been modelled how to exist in a mutually respectful partnership, and are more prone to avoiding feelings… it’s easier to colonise the moon rather than feel your feelings apparently.
I’m in a 12 year relationship with a man, that’s taken work but because he’s willing to go there, we have a truly intimate and respectful relationship. Our psychotherapist (a wise, experienced woman in her 60’s who’s worked in the game for decades) said the other week that he was ‘the 1% of the 1% of the %’
He’s an Aussie bloke, grew up on a farm and his parents had typical gender roles of the 70’s… BUT he was well nurtured, and he’s loyal, accountable and open to learning/ growing. I do think most relationships are the long game and take work.. you’ve just got to find someone who’s willing to do the work with you. There’s gotta be one out there… tricky to find if you can’t even get to the friken first date though.
In our house we have been discussing that there appears to be an increasingly-angry (violently angry) belief that the success of women is the reason that some men are flailing. I *always* think of these Augie March lyrics:
Now I know you like your boys to take their medicine
From the bowl with a silver spoon
Who run away with the dish and scale the fish
By the silvery light of the moon
Who were taught from the womb to believe to the tune
In as far as their bleeding eyes see
It's a pleasure pen, meant for them, built for and rent for them
21?!?! That is truly appalling. How disheartening. For what it’s worth, if I was a straight, single male, I would never stand you up!
In 2004, I lived in NYC for 4 months (as a uni student) and noticed a massive difference between the dating culture there and the dating culture here (Melbourne). The basic difference was frequency - I went on HEAPS of dates over there but was a bit desperate and dateless back home. I talked about it incessantly with my friends when I got home and ending up writing an article about it that was published in The Australian weekend magazine.
My basic thesis was that Australians put too much pressure on dating, relative to NYCers. In NYC, dates really seemed to be Information Gathering Exercises (IGEs, as I called them) with the sole goal being to decide if you both wanted to spend another hour or two together. There was minimal pressure on any one date and you could relax a bit more because they were like buses - another one would be along soon enough. I think this meant everyone could navigate the risk of possible rejection and disappointment with more maturity and kindness because of the perceived abundant supply.
Back in Melbourne, it seemed like a date was *such* a big deal that no one would make the first move unless they had a strong degree of certainty that the answer and eventual long-term outcome (is s/he The One?!?!) would be positive and to their liking. My wish, at the time, was that Aussies could take the pressure off the idea of “dates” and just do it more frequently and more generously.
NYC taught me that a date was no big deal in the scheme of things. Though, if you say yes, you absolutely must treat them with courtesy and actually show up!!
So I suppose on that note, I’m curious about what other cultural differences have been observed by everyone when it comes to dating?!
And could the need for certainty about an outcome, well before it’s possible to determine, still be a factor in this mess?
As an aside, I did end up meeting and marrying a Frenchman in Melbourne (via rsvp, one of the OGs of dating apps) who had more of an IGE / abundant supply attitude to dating than the average Aussie male.
It's also interesting how avoidant people have become in bars / clubs. I'm mostly single and fully sober so I people watch a lot and where groups used to mix in a bar as the night progressed, it seems now, every group is it's own entity and there's an unwillinginess to look up and out at the possibilities right in front of them. How did we get here? Fear? Or the fun phenomenon of huge ego/low self esteem?
Sucks to have so many no shows, Sarah. What's that quote Brene brown references... "Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen."
Sarah, your observations and how you frame it says it all. And the stories and comments that I am reading here, as well. There are a couple of great guys here weighing in on their perspectives, but that is painfully lacking everywhere else. And the dating industry for straight folks is rampant with really bad advice that props this up from so called dating experts (men and women). It goes like this... women have to be in their feminine (implying soft, submissive) to attract the masculine (implying assertive, dominant). These old tropes are more prevalent right now I find as men fall farther behind and struggle. It's the women that have to change. Women aren't "feminine" enough to attract "real" men. This fall back and binary thinking of what's feminine and what's masculine is a huge part of the problem. It's hard on men, too. But it's dangerous for women.
There are Facebook groups here in major cities in Canada and in the US with thousands and thousands of members dedicated to exposing toxic dating behaviour from men (stemming from online and apps). Not sure if they are in Australia yet? They post pictures and the scenario, which can be stalking, abuse and sexual assault, but also infidelity, lying, stand ups, etc. The women running them are fighting to keep them up, as sometimes men get wind they are there, and threaten legal action, etc.
Modern dating, the way straight men and women relate to each other, is sick (collapsing?) right now. I think the only answer is for the good men to do the work, to counteract what's going on in the manosphere right now. More men's groups (that don't focus on blaming women), etc. I know you've said it before Sarah, a version of the feminist movement for men.
Oh Sarah. Who would stand YOU UP ?! My goodness! I’m a very happily married hetero woman but geez, if I got a date with you I’d be rapt! You’re so cool and interesting and kind and funny and smart.
The stories I hear from women friends of varying ages align perfectly with yours. And then when one of my friends started to see a man regularly (and this happened repeatedly with different men) they would be clingy then cagey then loving then cold…. It was a mind fuck.
I am fascinated by your theories, they always seem to hit the mark for me. And I am so saddened by the treatment you and other good women receive online.
I have a teenage son , I can see and feel the trouble for men in him. So I’m very invested in this conversation….
Keep going beautiful Sarah. I believe in love. And I reckon you do too!
Great piece Sarah, I recognised the dynamic well from my own 10 years of being on and off the apps. In my 20s, and as a card-carrying (Gen X) feminist, I used to take the initiative to ask guys out (after there had been some mutual display of interest) and to a man they HATED it! I was told by one guy that he liked to be the hunter/pursuer and by asking him out I'd taken away his role in the dynamic - it left him no script, no moves. It comes back to the edgy place where the products of the feminist movement meet male ego - whilst I was attempting to rewrite the sexual dynamic, nobody had told the guys that it was time to play a different game. And tbh they didn't need to - most of my female peers did covert manipulation/organisation work to set up the seduction scenario (like the when and where of the actual date) whilst appearing to be totally passive. They were willing to do that and whilst I wasn't, I can see that women have historically needed to hide their agency/power for their own safety. So my interpretation of all the vagueness, avoidance, and flakiness (once I'd depersonalised) was that it's fecking impossible to do this dance with strangers online where the legwork needs to be more overt. I'd also agree that scrolling for love online is very late stage/predatory capitalist - we don't yet have a genuine equivalent of the village matchmaker, it's more like the village horsefair out there with everyone on a drunken rampage. It's a fine balance holding the possibility of love in your heart by working the apps against stepping away and having some trust in the flow of the Universe. Long story short: whilst I don't have the answers, I do totally recognise the scenarios! Good luck Sarah and thanks for sharing your journey - this writing certainly helped me to understand a painful strand of my dating history.
Thank you for this, Sarah! You have my complete attention :) My experience sounds very very similar to yours so the 'so, it's not just me then' was super comforting. I'm 49, and I've been single now for nearly 12 years. I find myself going on and off the apps in a vicious cycle of 'how else are you going to meet anyone' to 'Urgh, I hate this is how we now meet people'. The ghosting, the subtle trail off of conversations, the replies like 'awesome' with no follow up questions and my stubbornness to not want to be the one to keep things going. It's exhausting. Whats the answer? What's next? I'm 100% strapped in and ready to explore this with you. Xx
Thanks for writing this Sarah. Great points to make. I’m going to make some off the top of my head comments about what you’ve written re personal. I guess what comes to mind is I am wondering what are you actually wanting from men. What are you actually looking for in a man? What does it look like?
TBH most of us older heterosexual feminist gals who have gotton into relationships later in life have perhaps decided to ‘settle’ after years of men dating bullshit or just be happily single. I have many friends living their best lives and they don’t even think about men.
Our generation has been fed alot of bullshit about romantic love and marriage. About how that should look.
At this later age life stage a relationship can be what you want it to be but you are probably not going to find a single available man who understands both feminism etc…and is at a similar age life stage. Especially not on a dating app. Any man who really gets it is already paired up and probably well trained by an awesome woman.
You say 1/2 your best friends are men. Are they not available to be in a relationship?? Or do they have friends that might be compatible.
A friend who was on the apps for ages gave up and asked all her friends to find her someone. While he is not the love of her life, he’s a fun, kind person who is open to learning. He wouldn’t have any idea what a ‘feminist’ even is.
For myself I can’t be arsed educating or training a man but I have enjoyed a long relationship with a man who I have never or have never lived with and enjoy the parts where we intersect together. I like that he has my back. We have even raised our child together.
I did a degree in women’s studies in the mid 1980’s so have been thinking about this stuff everyday since then. The more you evolve beyond patriarchy, the more personal freedom and power you gain you see that the rest of humanity will never catch up to you. It can be an isolating position to be in. Hence ….you probably need to compromise and settle for ‘good enough’ Or give up on men and find other love or be single.
21! Sar, I'm in shock. I can understand 1, maybe 2 ... but 21! What's wrong with these guys? What happened to old fashioned manners and politeness? It's crazy.
My heart breaks for you, Sar. And everyone else experiencing this. As you say, missing out on life and love!
I'm lost for words ... I best sign off. Big hugs, big love. x
Very good, very "un moany" article. I'm 71 and happily married and have been around the block enough to know that trying to find love is not how it works. Life itself has a huge say in this story and sometimes life is just not in agreement with some people finding and being in a loving, procreative relationship.
Life is also quite proactive on this level, as in, if you have 21 no shows to dates you have arranged, life itself maybe trying to tell you something about what it may want from or for you. You must have heard about going with the flow of the river instead of swimming upstream, 21 no shows is a mighty strong current you are swimming into.
My advice would be drop the apps and trust that if life is in agreement with you finding love, life will arrange it for you. A famous Indian mystic once said that we are all sitting on a train holding our luggage above our heads, just put it down and enjoy the ride.
I have chook story to tell (bizarre but true). I received 3 hens from my friend K. Her man partner was keen to tell me that the hens needed a rooster because he would find food for them, and protect them from predators. I observed and thought that they seem to find food for themselves, and that a rooster was no match for a fox. I also suspect a rooster is really focussed on protecting himself rather than them. A week later, I see a random chook in the driveway- I'm thinking "Oh my god, one of the hens has got out of the prison-quality hen protector". Until I see it's a rooster who desperately wants to get in and hang out with the hens. It turns out he had been abandoned by my neighbour and was lonely. One of the hens went out and joined him and coaxed him in. Hank is now a family with the 3 Graces (Tame, Jones, and Cossington-Smith) and he knows his place. For me it challenged the fundamental narrative that women need men and changed it to that men need women and need to find a place for themselves. I think I have always known it but there is a lot of effort put into convincing women that they are the ones in need. I think men are in crisis and I'm glad you are putting it out there.
Thanks for sharing Sarah, at no point did your post feel like moaning. :)
I'm a guy in my mid-30s who has never been on any apps. I hate photos of myself and don't have any, so that prerequisite has barred me from the online dating avenue. I've always regretted this to an extent, as I'm sure that I've missed opportunities because of it, but based on your experiences, it sounds like I've also avoided some anguish.
I would love a relationship with a strong, independent woman with a broad range of interests and experiences. Unfortunately, the women like this who float into my life are always already in a relationship!
Maybe I just need to bite the bullet, take a photo of myself and wade into the murkiness of the apps. I'll at least be one of the men who are happy to set the time/place and be there when I say I will. I see time-wasting as one of the biggest sins, so I would never do that to somebody else.
Please keep these discussions going Sarah, I love how raw you've been with your posts lately!
Thank you for sharing Sarah! I was hoping at some stage you would! I can concur with many of the things you have said. I find that many men (in Australia and perhaps the West) are already jaded when on the apps. They expect (or feel entitled) to meet a woman who in their opinion ‘has it all’ and primarily this means 70% meeting their requirements physically and aesthetically. They put such emphasis on this that it crowds out the other values women bring to the table. If they pursue women who don’t meet their expectations or what they feel they are entitled to they treat those women very poorly. Goodness knows how you will be treated by men if you are overweight in Australia! Also I find few people in Australia (particularly men) who want to engage in conversation beyond the superficial pop and sporting culture that exists (theology, philosophy, books, art, history, travel anyone?) I personally have zero interest in men. It doesn’t feel like a sacrifice or I’m missing out. I have a rich spiritual life that I guess helps. I feel lonely at times but that’s because I have struggled to find likeminded souls or a tribe in Australia (because…well..Australia) and that is despite 3 years of trying in well meaning, diverse ways. I lean into the family and friends I have who understand me. Those who are following along know I am heading eventually back OS (unlikely to be in the West) but still getting ducks in a row. I’m going all in, in life and am proceeding on the basis that it will just be me! And I guess I have accepted that and at peace with it because looking back at the last 42 years of my life I have enough evidence of who I am (and who men are in this generation) that I am unlikely to meet a man that makes life better or my world bigger. Somehow I always have to get smaller. If someone comes along well ok, but I do not expect it.
OH MY GOODNESS. I'm only half way through and nodding my head off.
Our little community of Forbes has been rocked by the death of a beautiful young lady, Molly Ticehurst, two days ago. We are reeling. All the women. I cannot fully explain the impacts but it is palpable... in the shops, in our texts, in our conversations. It's like a big old "See. I told you men are not to be trusted." Hard going. And I'm explaining all of this to my 8 year old son.
It's a lot.
Love Cherie
Thank you for making me not feel like I am alone in this. I have been single for most of my adult life. I have tried the apps, I’ve tried exploring new activities in the hopes of meeting new people, I have tried not trying as they say (“it will happen when you least expect it”). All I seem to face is rejection in various forms. And I have been beaten down like many have by dating. I believe I have a lot to offer a potential partner even if I’m not the most attractive girl in a group. I am intelligent, financially stable, have a successful career and am more than capable of looking after myself. I sometimes wonder if it’s that independence, that lack of a need to be “saved by a man”, someone who is opinionated and will express it that perhaps is perceived as unattractive. But if that is it or men are threatened, then I’ll take my single life.
I think you’re naming the elephant in the room and inviting accountability. Totally agree that men have not been modelled how to exist in a mutually respectful partnership, and are more prone to avoiding feelings… it’s easier to colonise the moon rather than feel your feelings apparently.
I’m in a 12 year relationship with a man, that’s taken work but because he’s willing to go there, we have a truly intimate and respectful relationship. Our psychotherapist (a wise, experienced woman in her 60’s who’s worked in the game for decades) said the other week that he was ‘the 1% of the 1% of the %’
He’s an Aussie bloke, grew up on a farm and his parents had typical gender roles of the 70’s… BUT he was well nurtured, and he’s loyal, accountable and open to learning/ growing. I do think most relationships are the long game and take work.. you’ve just got to find someone who’s willing to do the work with you. There’s gotta be one out there… tricky to find if you can’t even get to the friken first date though.
Keep up the conversation.. it’s an important one.
In our house we have been discussing that there appears to be an increasingly-angry (violently angry) belief that the success of women is the reason that some men are flailing. I *always* think of these Augie March lyrics:
Now I know you like your boys to take their medicine
From the bowl with a silver spoon
Who run away with the dish and scale the fish
By the silvery light of the moon
Who were taught from the womb to believe to the tune
In as far as their bleeding eyes see
It's a pleasure pen, meant for them, built for and rent for them
Not for the likes of me
Not for the like of you and me
21?!?! That is truly appalling. How disheartening. For what it’s worth, if I was a straight, single male, I would never stand you up!
In 2004, I lived in NYC for 4 months (as a uni student) and noticed a massive difference between the dating culture there and the dating culture here (Melbourne). The basic difference was frequency - I went on HEAPS of dates over there but was a bit desperate and dateless back home. I talked about it incessantly with my friends when I got home and ending up writing an article about it that was published in The Australian weekend magazine.
My basic thesis was that Australians put too much pressure on dating, relative to NYCers. In NYC, dates really seemed to be Information Gathering Exercises (IGEs, as I called them) with the sole goal being to decide if you both wanted to spend another hour or two together. There was minimal pressure on any one date and you could relax a bit more because they were like buses - another one would be along soon enough. I think this meant everyone could navigate the risk of possible rejection and disappointment with more maturity and kindness because of the perceived abundant supply.
Back in Melbourne, it seemed like a date was *such* a big deal that no one would make the first move unless they had a strong degree of certainty that the answer and eventual long-term outcome (is s/he The One?!?!) would be positive and to their liking. My wish, at the time, was that Aussies could take the pressure off the idea of “dates” and just do it more frequently and more generously.
NYC taught me that a date was no big deal in the scheme of things. Though, if you say yes, you absolutely must treat them with courtesy and actually show up!!
So I suppose on that note, I’m curious about what other cultural differences have been observed by everyone when it comes to dating?!
And could the need for certainty about an outcome, well before it’s possible to determine, still be a factor in this mess?
As an aside, I did end up meeting and marrying a Frenchman in Melbourne (via rsvp, one of the OGs of dating apps) who had more of an IGE / abundant supply attitude to dating than the average Aussie male.
It's also interesting how avoidant people have become in bars / clubs. I'm mostly single and fully sober so I people watch a lot and where groups used to mix in a bar as the night progressed, it seems now, every group is it's own entity and there's an unwillinginess to look up and out at the possibilities right in front of them. How did we get here? Fear? Or the fun phenomenon of huge ego/low self esteem?
Sucks to have so many no shows, Sarah. What's that quote Brene brown references... "Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen."
Nobody puts baby in the corner 😯😂
Sarah, your observations and how you frame it says it all. And the stories and comments that I am reading here, as well. There are a couple of great guys here weighing in on their perspectives, but that is painfully lacking everywhere else. And the dating industry for straight folks is rampant with really bad advice that props this up from so called dating experts (men and women). It goes like this... women have to be in their feminine (implying soft, submissive) to attract the masculine (implying assertive, dominant). These old tropes are more prevalent right now I find as men fall farther behind and struggle. It's the women that have to change. Women aren't "feminine" enough to attract "real" men. This fall back and binary thinking of what's feminine and what's masculine is a huge part of the problem. It's hard on men, too. But it's dangerous for women.
There are Facebook groups here in major cities in Canada and in the US with thousands and thousands of members dedicated to exposing toxic dating behaviour from men (stemming from online and apps). Not sure if they are in Australia yet? They post pictures and the scenario, which can be stalking, abuse and sexual assault, but also infidelity, lying, stand ups, etc. The women running them are fighting to keep them up, as sometimes men get wind they are there, and threaten legal action, etc.
Modern dating, the way straight men and women relate to each other, is sick (collapsing?) right now. I think the only answer is for the good men to do the work, to counteract what's going on in the manosphere right now. More men's groups (that don't focus on blaming women), etc. I know you've said it before Sarah, a version of the feminist movement for men.
Oh Sarah. Who would stand YOU UP ?! My goodness! I’m a very happily married hetero woman but geez, if I got a date with you I’d be rapt! You’re so cool and interesting and kind and funny and smart.
The stories I hear from women friends of varying ages align perfectly with yours. And then when one of my friends started to see a man regularly (and this happened repeatedly with different men) they would be clingy then cagey then loving then cold…. It was a mind fuck.
I am fascinated by your theories, they always seem to hit the mark for me. And I am so saddened by the treatment you and other good women receive online.
I have a teenage son , I can see and feel the trouble for men in him. So I’m very invested in this conversation….
Keep going beautiful Sarah. I believe in love. And I reckon you do too!
✊🏽💘
Great piece Sarah, I recognised the dynamic well from my own 10 years of being on and off the apps. In my 20s, and as a card-carrying (Gen X) feminist, I used to take the initiative to ask guys out (after there had been some mutual display of interest) and to a man they HATED it! I was told by one guy that he liked to be the hunter/pursuer and by asking him out I'd taken away his role in the dynamic - it left him no script, no moves. It comes back to the edgy place where the products of the feminist movement meet male ego - whilst I was attempting to rewrite the sexual dynamic, nobody had told the guys that it was time to play a different game. And tbh they didn't need to - most of my female peers did covert manipulation/organisation work to set up the seduction scenario (like the when and where of the actual date) whilst appearing to be totally passive. They were willing to do that and whilst I wasn't, I can see that women have historically needed to hide their agency/power for their own safety. So my interpretation of all the vagueness, avoidance, and flakiness (once I'd depersonalised) was that it's fecking impossible to do this dance with strangers online where the legwork needs to be more overt. I'd also agree that scrolling for love online is very late stage/predatory capitalist - we don't yet have a genuine equivalent of the village matchmaker, it's more like the village horsefair out there with everyone on a drunken rampage. It's a fine balance holding the possibility of love in your heart by working the apps against stepping away and having some trust in the flow of the Universe. Long story short: whilst I don't have the answers, I do totally recognise the scenarios! Good luck Sarah and thanks for sharing your journey - this writing certainly helped me to understand a painful strand of my dating history.
Thank you for this, Sarah! You have my complete attention :) My experience sounds very very similar to yours so the 'so, it's not just me then' was super comforting. I'm 49, and I've been single now for nearly 12 years. I find myself going on and off the apps in a vicious cycle of 'how else are you going to meet anyone' to 'Urgh, I hate this is how we now meet people'. The ghosting, the subtle trail off of conversations, the replies like 'awesome' with no follow up questions and my stubbornness to not want to be the one to keep things going. It's exhausting. Whats the answer? What's next? I'm 100% strapped in and ready to explore this with you. Xx
Thanks for writing this Sarah. Great points to make. I’m going to make some off the top of my head comments about what you’ve written re personal. I guess what comes to mind is I am wondering what are you actually wanting from men. What are you actually looking for in a man? What does it look like?
TBH most of us older heterosexual feminist gals who have gotton into relationships later in life have perhaps decided to ‘settle’ after years of men dating bullshit or just be happily single. I have many friends living their best lives and they don’t even think about men.
Our generation has been fed alot of bullshit about romantic love and marriage. About how that should look.
At this later age life stage a relationship can be what you want it to be but you are probably not going to find a single available man who understands both feminism etc…and is at a similar age life stage. Especially not on a dating app. Any man who really gets it is already paired up and probably well trained by an awesome woman.
You say 1/2 your best friends are men. Are they not available to be in a relationship?? Or do they have friends that might be compatible.
A friend who was on the apps for ages gave up and asked all her friends to find her someone. While he is not the love of her life, he’s a fun, kind person who is open to learning. He wouldn’t have any idea what a ‘feminist’ even is.
For myself I can’t be arsed educating or training a man but I have enjoyed a long relationship with a man who I have never or have never lived with and enjoy the parts where we intersect together. I like that he has my back. We have even raised our child together.
I did a degree in women’s studies in the mid 1980’s so have been thinking about this stuff everyday since then. The more you evolve beyond patriarchy, the more personal freedom and power you gain you see that the rest of humanity will never catch up to you. It can be an isolating position to be in. Hence ….you probably need to compromise and settle for ‘good enough’ Or give up on men and find other love or be single.
21! Sar, I'm in shock. I can understand 1, maybe 2 ... but 21! What's wrong with these guys? What happened to old fashioned manners and politeness? It's crazy.
My heart breaks for you, Sar. And everyone else experiencing this. As you say, missing out on life and love!
I'm lost for words ... I best sign off. Big hugs, big love. x
Hi Sarah,
Very good, very "un moany" article. I'm 71 and happily married and have been around the block enough to know that trying to find love is not how it works. Life itself has a huge say in this story and sometimes life is just not in agreement with some people finding and being in a loving, procreative relationship.
Life is also quite proactive on this level, as in, if you have 21 no shows to dates you have arranged, life itself maybe trying to tell you something about what it may want from or for you. You must have heard about going with the flow of the river instead of swimming upstream, 21 no shows is a mighty strong current you are swimming into.
My advice would be drop the apps and trust that if life is in agreement with you finding love, life will arrange it for you. A famous Indian mystic once said that we are all sitting on a train holding our luggage above our heads, just put it down and enjoy the ride.
Wishing you all the best