I think I’m doing okay, Sarah. I hate December with a passion (buy this! Eat this! Yeah nah) but I’ve done the work (partly thanks to you). I know what’s important to me and I can’t buy it in the shops. I’m leaning into time outside, time with my kiddos, and silence. Those are the things that ease my heart. Thanks for asking. 😊
My heart is always most lonely at this time of year. I yearn for connection yet equally yearn for myself. This time of year seems to unmask wounds. The confrontation of no partner and no children feels heavy. Yet my heart feels alive in my aloneness and I know there is divine order through this passage in time. Thanks for asking Sarah x
Gosh you and Anna Hookings above have written the same thing - your heart feels alive (while lonely). I hope that in itself feels comforting. And that maybe that's what comes with the radical position of being a childless woman - a special aliveness (something I'm yet to ponder myself)
You are not alone in this Anna-Nicole, same for me. I suppose there are strengths and challenges in all of life's situations, whichever happens to be our destiny as it turns out. Nice to hear your heart feels alive, mine is struggling. But I had a beautiful swim this morning and smiled as a flock of swallows circled around and swam down to touch their chests in the water with me! Nature's simple magic!
Gah! Geo engineering = frightening to me. Where is the personal responsibility? Also seems a fun and distracting solution to the real problem (fossil fuels!). And we don’t need solutions that offer “more” of humans tinkering with nature, we need ones that offer less.
But in this breath my heart is stretched, tired and hopeful. We sold our second car this week and both my parter and I immediately felt a little freer.
What a wonderful thing to ask. Honestly, I feel uplifted, on the other side of the xmas debarcle thanks to someone else. My mother (role model, best friend, and housemate) has hated Christmas for many years after a lifetime of being saddled with everyone's expectations. She quit it defiantly for the past five years against a lot of family and societal pressure. Since then--after the death of her father and deciding to cut off her siblings who give her nothing back, all coinciding with her own fatal disease (that turned out to be a false diagnosis, a miracle itself)-- she has embraced Christmas this year on her terms. Small intimate catch-ups with family that matter. Thoughtful, affordable but useful gifts for those closest. Sugar and carb free xmas meals. By the way, she has profusely apologised to me for doubting the no sugar revolution you put me on so many years ago. After her diagnosis and the advice of her endocrinologist (they are seeing the light), she committed to low carb, lost thirty kilograms, and completely reversed her serious diabetes. Her endocrinologist called her the other day, baffled to 'discharge' her as a patient, saying it was something she'd never ever done as a doctor before. My father and aunt have also embraced the lifestyle after seeing this happen, and the improvements to their age-related illnesses have been just as life-changing. Things you put in motion all those years ago have woven into this feeling in my heart, in this breath, and it's nice to be given a place to say that.
Where do I start? Im older, I am comfortable with who I am or choose to be. Ive been granted grandchildren except they live overseas, in fact both my children live overseas. Im so proud of their fierce independance but my heart weeps as we have such limited contact. Fortunately, I have a beautiful step (this is just a word as she is wholly a part of me) grandchild. This is a mine field as the parents have a set of rules Im to obey...who knew being a grandparent was so hard? I am so saddened by the world we are leaving them, my part in it so Im trying to make it a better place for them. This Christmas I have a massive divide in my once very close siblings over the vaccination thing. Only 1 of 6 refuses and has gone down the hole so far she is now manic, it deeply disturbs us all especially now rational thought seems to have left her. But, I have hope and hope people is a wonderful, magical thing.
The state of my heart? Not so good. I'm in an uncomfortable state of dread, and shallow breathing. I finally was roused awake from my troubled slumber and actually believe we are in peril (rather than thinking this all happened before and we can just ride it out.) Books like yours are shaking me awake as well as On Tryanny by Timothy Snyder, It Can't Happen Here by Sinclair Lewis. I am generally NOT an alarmist, but the alarms are loud and clear. The only thing I can think of to do is 1. Write an action manifesting and 2. share it with whoever will listen.
Thank you for this forum to answer this question, Sarah.
I have a podcast next week with Emily Atkin from Heated...she shares much on the alarm/rage etc...I think you'll find it helpful. I'm glad you've joined the movement. Some great humans in it! xx
you really want to know how I fee? probably like a lot of people atm. Stressed, struggling with work, got a mountain of 'stuff to do' trying to work out how I'm going to tell my in laws (the family of my late husband) that i'm not having lunch with them, that I'm going to my now partner's dinner 'out' with his family instead! (bad mum and sister in law i am!) and just washed and wringed out after a year of Crap! there I've said it! sorry to dump Sarah
don't apologise! I asked! you're allowed to have xmas where it feels most nourishing. that's the point. And you won't be able to be the best mum and partner and daughter in law if you don't attend to your strung out ness. Your inlaws are adults.
My heart yearns what you describe: allowing & being allowed a “rested space, of landing.” Then being able to connect & uplift others, do climate work, tap into creativity, from this grounded place. Recent rejuvenations include weekend of cold plunges in the river, brewing tea riverside, and just being in the elements; also moving my body in joyful ways like rock climbing, staying hydrated, and eating enough food. But then I return to work within our broken sickcare system where ”productivity” means more than our health and well-being…and within less than a day, I’m depleted again. Hospitalizations are rising like crazy. People still refuse to get vaccinated. Where I live (Paul Gosar is the house rep here) most are pro Trump, anti-vax, anti-mask, believe the “election was stolen”… I’m just exhausted. No one really asks about my heart (or is ready for an honest answer)…so thank you.
Allie, that sounds incredibly exhausting and hard. I can't imagine doing the work you do and in the face of denial and anger (I imagine) tossed back at you...or maybe I can...climate work is very similar. can you rejuvenate daily with a small ritual (s) that capture the intimate companionship with yourself and nature? When I have nothing else I just write to myself in the evenings...
I want to acknowledge I’m not a front line worker; and their degree of burnout I can’t even fathom. I work in an outpatient setting at our local hospital…so it’s just an interesting environment.
Thank you. I do face anger and denial weekly, if not daily at times. The idea of a daily ritual(s) feels nice, esp one that connects with the intimate companionship of nature, that’s the kicker; there was sense of spaciousness (or the potential/precursor to it) in my body as I read that suggestion. And journaling, yes. I have been thinking about this often for a couple months now. Thank you again for your thoughtfulness.
The state of heart my heart in this breath is heavy. I generally do my best to be grateful, kind and relatively in the moment, but at the moment I'm feeling the weight of the world. I can't be sure if it's more to do with my own problems or the collective xmas madness. Probably both.
I think both. I guess we can just witness it. I"m trying to do it while not judging or strategising around it. Mostly I'm too tired to do anything other than be with it.
Thanks for asking the more beautiful question Sarah. Right in this moment my heart wants to jump out of my chest a flee. To where, I'm not sure. But flee it wants to. Right in this moment I'm sitting in the gunk this year, perhaps a lifetime, has bestowed upon me. Grappling with the emotional turmoil of motherhood, yearning for another baby, wrestling with the clutches of deep-seated health anxiety and feeling lonely in it, tormented by the evaporation of time.....but through it all I'm trying to sit in the squirmy, excruciating discomfort of it all and draw strength from the experience. Thanks for the invitation to pause and reflect on my heart in this moment. Thanks for all you Sarah - your rawness and honesty has been a huge salve for me over the past few years.
My heart (or more likely my mind) is working through accepting my place in a blended family. I feel slightly defeated but more honest that I have allowed myself to be in the past. It is confronting to accept what my place is, what I have contributed and what has been a function of events set in motion by my mum’s death 27 years ago.
Hey Nereda, hope you don’t mind me replying. I’ve been in a blended family for 11 years so I understand it can be hard finding your place. I still struggle with it sometimes even though I have a good relationship with my partner’s children. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. And most of all be yourself. Took me way too long to learn these things. Sending love and hugs ❤️
A few hours ago I found out from my friend that her father’s cancer has spread. I’m feeling really flat, sad for her, her dad, and the whole family. I’m also currently suffering a bout of CFS, both a gift and a burden. Lots of pain and deep diving; it’s what I need to do but it’s tiring too. I’m learning self hypnosis at the moment and had a profound session this morning. So in this breath, living in both sorrow and hope. Bring on the silly season. X
My heart is feeling all radiant and yay, because I live in the remote rainforest on a tropical island where December just means that the rains are coming, nothing more to it. http://edenhope.org
Oh wow! Vanuatu...my brother and his family just moved there and I'll be visiting as soon as the quarantine lifts. I'll come say hello. Glad for radiant!
Amazing! Vanuatu is such a magical place and around here there are some amazing hikes through literally the middle of nowhere (which is the same as the middle of everywhere). What island has your brother moved to? Let him know that we are on the wild West Coast of Santo and he can reach out anytime.
Sarah, I'm happy that you keep publishing your authentic and profound perceptions of our wandering lives.
The last I sent you, I was struggling with the question of amputation, which took place in March 2019; at exactly the same time as Covid struck. It may not have been the best decision, but it's done, and the vast majority of professionals believe it was for the best.
However, my life is still a marathon of pain from dawn until late: the stump and its phantom pains are by far the biggest, but my burning ulnar nerves, the burning torn mouth and the increasing arthritis in my right foot take turns torturing me. The drugs do little, or in large doses stupefy me, cold baths and showering or ice packs bring temporary relief, and the best thing is to play music with fellow souls - and the harder the better.
I have very little contact with friends, though I reach out a lot. My best family contacts are with my son in Newcastle, and my brother in Bondi, but that's a phone call or two a week.
Today, because he helped me load my musical rig last Sunday, I went to Church with a friend. There happened to be a baptism on at this service, which made me nostalgic for the mornings I'd attend St Andrew's on Canberra, where my father occasional acted as minister. I took in the positive feelings, and the sense of commitment and ethics with gratitude, though it was my first experience of Anglican Communion. My friend brought out his new guitar afterwards, and we swapped finger- and flat-picking tunes, and an old gospel song.
I had lunch at one of my local cafés, and chatted briefly with the European waitress.
Such are the small moments that bring some pleasure, mostly relief from the overwhelming pain and hopelessness of my situation. I don't derive much pleasure from Christmas, but try to find places where others find theirs. Playing Christmas carols on my Celtic harp last Sunday, and being the Disabled Artist for International Disabiity Day the day before at Leighton Beach, brightened the day for some.
My heart, in this breath, is lonely, fragile and without much hope, even in this Time of Giving.
I think I’m doing okay, Sarah. I hate December with a passion (buy this! Eat this! Yeah nah) but I’ve done the work (partly thanks to you). I know what’s important to me and I can’t buy it in the shops. I’m leaning into time outside, time with my kiddos, and silence. Those are the things that ease my heart. Thanks for asking. 😊
silence...yes, we need to carve it out . I'm chuffed I was a part of your shift x
Equally in Arabic, As-salamu alaykum (Peace Be Upon You) is a much more enriching greeting than G'Day or Hello.
nice to know x
My heart is always most lonely at this time of year. I yearn for connection yet equally yearn for myself. This time of year seems to unmask wounds. The confrontation of no partner and no children feels heavy. Yet my heart feels alive in my aloneness and I know there is divine order through this passage in time. Thanks for asking Sarah x
Gosh you and Anna Hookings above have written the same thing - your heart feels alive (while lonely). I hope that in itself feels comforting. And that maybe that's what comes with the radical position of being a childless woman - a special aliveness (something I'm yet to ponder myself)
You are not alone in this Anna-Nicole, same for me. I suppose there are strengths and challenges in all of life's situations, whichever happens to be our destiny as it turns out. Nice to hear your heart feels alive, mine is struggling. But I had a beautiful swim this morning and smiled as a flock of swallows circled around and swam down to touch their chests in the water with me! Nature's simple magic!
Nature has a powerful way of healing our struggles. Thanks for sharing. Sending love and light.
Gah! Geo engineering = frightening to me. Where is the personal responsibility? Also seems a fun and distracting solution to the real problem (fossil fuels!). And we don’t need solutions that offer “more” of humans tinkering with nature, we need ones that offer less.
But in this breath my heart is stretched, tired and hopeful. We sold our second car this week and both my parter and I immediately felt a little freer.
the tinkering bothers me massively - human tinkering stuffs most things up. Bravo re the car....how funny freedom is the word you use!
my heart is happy, safe and warm in my cosy home - that is enough for this breath
I love this. I struggle to relate to "cosy" but am going to embrace tonight. x
What a wonderful thing to ask. Honestly, I feel uplifted, on the other side of the xmas debarcle thanks to someone else. My mother (role model, best friend, and housemate) has hated Christmas for many years after a lifetime of being saddled with everyone's expectations. She quit it defiantly for the past five years against a lot of family and societal pressure. Since then--after the death of her father and deciding to cut off her siblings who give her nothing back, all coinciding with her own fatal disease (that turned out to be a false diagnosis, a miracle itself)-- she has embraced Christmas this year on her terms. Small intimate catch-ups with family that matter. Thoughtful, affordable but useful gifts for those closest. Sugar and carb free xmas meals. By the way, she has profusely apologised to me for doubting the no sugar revolution you put me on so many years ago. After her diagnosis and the advice of her endocrinologist (they are seeing the light), she committed to low carb, lost thirty kilograms, and completely reversed her serious diabetes. Her endocrinologist called her the other day, baffled to 'discharge' her as a patient, saying it was something she'd never ever done as a doctor before. My father and aunt have also embraced the lifestyle after seeing this happen, and the improvements to their age-related illnesses have been just as life-changing. Things you put in motion all those years ago have woven into this feeling in my heart, in this breath, and it's nice to be given a place to say that.
that full circle story is the best xmas present I could get from a stranger! Give my love to your mum x
Where do I start? Im older, I am comfortable with who I am or choose to be. Ive been granted grandchildren except they live overseas, in fact both my children live overseas. Im so proud of their fierce independance but my heart weeps as we have such limited contact. Fortunately, I have a beautiful step (this is just a word as she is wholly a part of me) grandchild. This is a mine field as the parents have a set of rules Im to obey...who knew being a grandparent was so hard? I am so saddened by the world we are leaving them, my part in it so Im trying to make it a better place for them. This Christmas I have a massive divide in my once very close siblings over the vaccination thing. Only 1 of 6 refuses and has gone down the hole so far she is now manic, it deeply disturbs us all especially now rational thought seems to have left her. But, I have hope and hope people is a wonderful, magical thing.
The state of my heart? Not so good. I'm in an uncomfortable state of dread, and shallow breathing. I finally was roused awake from my troubled slumber and actually believe we are in peril (rather than thinking this all happened before and we can just ride it out.) Books like yours are shaking me awake as well as On Tryanny by Timothy Snyder, It Can't Happen Here by Sinclair Lewis. I am generally NOT an alarmist, but the alarms are loud and clear. The only thing I can think of to do is 1. Write an action manifesting and 2. share it with whoever will listen.
Thank you for this forum to answer this question, Sarah.
I have a podcast next week with Emily Atkin from Heated...she shares much on the alarm/rage etc...I think you'll find it helpful. I'm glad you've joined the movement. Some great humans in it! xx
you really want to know how I fee? probably like a lot of people atm. Stressed, struggling with work, got a mountain of 'stuff to do' trying to work out how I'm going to tell my in laws (the family of my late husband) that i'm not having lunch with them, that I'm going to my now partner's dinner 'out' with his family instead! (bad mum and sister in law i am!) and just washed and wringed out after a year of Crap! there I've said it! sorry to dump Sarah
don't apologise! I asked! you're allowed to have xmas where it feels most nourishing. that's the point. And you won't be able to be the best mum and partner and daughter in law if you don't attend to your strung out ness. Your inlaws are adults.
My heart yearns what you describe: allowing & being allowed a “rested space, of landing.” Then being able to connect & uplift others, do climate work, tap into creativity, from this grounded place. Recent rejuvenations include weekend of cold plunges in the river, brewing tea riverside, and just being in the elements; also moving my body in joyful ways like rock climbing, staying hydrated, and eating enough food. But then I return to work within our broken sickcare system where ”productivity” means more than our health and well-being…and within less than a day, I’m depleted again. Hospitalizations are rising like crazy. People still refuse to get vaccinated. Where I live (Paul Gosar is the house rep here) most are pro Trump, anti-vax, anti-mask, believe the “election was stolen”… I’m just exhausted. No one really asks about my heart (or is ready for an honest answer)…so thank you.
Allie, that sounds incredibly exhausting and hard. I can't imagine doing the work you do and in the face of denial and anger (I imagine) tossed back at you...or maybe I can...climate work is very similar. can you rejuvenate daily with a small ritual (s) that capture the intimate companionship with yourself and nature? When I have nothing else I just write to myself in the evenings...
I want to acknowledge I’m not a front line worker; and their degree of burnout I can’t even fathom. I work in an outpatient setting at our local hospital…so it’s just an interesting environment.
Thank you. I do face anger and denial weekly, if not daily at times. The idea of a daily ritual(s) feels nice, esp one that connects with the intimate companionship of nature, that’s the kicker; there was sense of spaciousness (or the potential/precursor to it) in my body as I read that suggestion. And journaling, yes. I have been thinking about this often for a couple months now. Thank you again for your thoughtfulness.
Thanks for asking, Sarah :)
The state of heart my heart in this breath is heavy. I generally do my best to be grateful, kind and relatively in the moment, but at the moment I'm feeling the weight of the world. I can't be sure if it's more to do with my own problems or the collective xmas madness. Probably both.
Love your work, Sarah 💞
I think both. I guess we can just witness it. I"m trying to do it while not judging or strategising around it. Mostly I'm too tired to do anything other than be with it.
Thanks for asking the more beautiful question Sarah. Right in this moment my heart wants to jump out of my chest a flee. To where, I'm not sure. But flee it wants to. Right in this moment I'm sitting in the gunk this year, perhaps a lifetime, has bestowed upon me. Grappling with the emotional turmoil of motherhood, yearning for another baby, wrestling with the clutches of deep-seated health anxiety and feeling lonely in it, tormented by the evaporation of time.....but through it all I'm trying to sit in the squirmy, excruciating discomfort of it all and draw strength from the experience. Thanks for the invitation to pause and reflect on my heart in this moment. Thanks for all you Sarah - your rawness and honesty has been a huge salve for me over the past few years.
I hope just writing this down helped
My heart (or more likely my mind) is working through accepting my place in a blended family. I feel slightly defeated but more honest that I have allowed myself to be in the past. It is confronting to accept what my place is, what I have contributed and what has been a function of events set in motion by my mum’s death 27 years ago.
Hey Nereda, hope you don’t mind me replying. I’ve been in a blended family for 11 years so I understand it can be hard finding your place. I still struggle with it sometimes even though I have a good relationship with my partner’s children. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. And most of all be yourself. Took me way too long to learn these things. Sending love and hugs ❤️
A few hours ago I found out from my friend that her father’s cancer has spread. I’m feeling really flat, sad for her, her dad, and the whole family. I’m also currently suffering a bout of CFS, both a gift and a burden. Lots of pain and deep diving; it’s what I need to do but it’s tiring too. I’m learning self hypnosis at the moment and had a profound session this morning. So in this breath, living in both sorrow and hope. Bring on the silly season. X
My heart is feeling all radiant and yay, because I live in the remote rainforest on a tropical island where December just means that the rains are coming, nothing more to it. http://edenhope.org
Oh wow! Vanuatu...my brother and his family just moved there and I'll be visiting as soon as the quarantine lifts. I'll come say hello. Glad for radiant!
Amazing! Vanuatu is such a magical place and around here there are some amazing hikes through literally the middle of nowhere (which is the same as the middle of everywhere). What island has your brother moved to? Let him know that we are on the wild West Coast of Santo and he can reach out anytime.
Sarah, I'm happy that you keep publishing your authentic and profound perceptions of our wandering lives.
The last I sent you, I was struggling with the question of amputation, which took place in March 2019; at exactly the same time as Covid struck. It may not have been the best decision, but it's done, and the vast majority of professionals believe it was for the best.
However, my life is still a marathon of pain from dawn until late: the stump and its phantom pains are by far the biggest, but my burning ulnar nerves, the burning torn mouth and the increasing arthritis in my right foot take turns torturing me. The drugs do little, or in large doses stupefy me, cold baths and showering or ice packs bring temporary relief, and the best thing is to play music with fellow souls - and the harder the better.
I have very little contact with friends, though I reach out a lot. My best family contacts are with my son in Newcastle, and my brother in Bondi, but that's a phone call or two a week.
Today, because he helped me load my musical rig last Sunday, I went to Church with a friend. There happened to be a baptism on at this service, which made me nostalgic for the mornings I'd attend St Andrew's on Canberra, where my father occasional acted as minister. I took in the positive feelings, and the sense of commitment and ethics with gratitude, though it was my first experience of Anglican Communion. My friend brought out his new guitar afterwards, and we swapped finger- and flat-picking tunes, and an old gospel song.
I had lunch at one of my local cafés, and chatted briefly with the European waitress.
Such are the small moments that bring some pleasure, mostly relief from the overwhelming pain and hopelessness of my situation. I don't derive much pleasure from Christmas, but try to find places where others find theirs. Playing Christmas carols on my Celtic harp last Sunday, and being the Disabled Artist for International Disabiity Day the day before at Leighton Beach, brightened the day for some.
My heart, in this breath, is lonely, fragile and without much hope, even in this Time of Giving.
But thank you for asking,
Mike